


unlike your ass the earth is flat

by seventhstar



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Absolute Garbage In Every Way, Alternate Universe, Conspiracy Theories, Flat Earther AU, M/M, The Author Regrets Everything, Youtuber Katsuki Yuuri, Youtuber Victor Nikiforov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 00:06:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18083579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventhstar/pseuds/seventhstar
Summary: Inspired by "Behind The Curve". It's a AU where Viktor and Yuuri are flat earth activists. That's all.





	unlike your ass the earth is flat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spookyfoot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyfoot/gifts).



> This is nonsense. It just is.
> 
> (I am not a flat earther, or a moon landing denialist.)

Yuuri's been running the podcast for three years when he sees The Video. He's trawling YouTube for episode fodder. Yuuri is a conspiracy realist, an investigator, giving his listeners all the facts about controversial subjects. He's skeptical. He's objective. 

The Video stands out among the barrage of poorly photoshopped thumbnails and crude MS Paint art. It's just a photograph of the Earth from space, with clean white text superimposed over the blackness of space: FLAT EARTH. The publisher is someone named vnikiforov. It has ten hits. Yuuri almost doesn't click on it, but then he notices that vnikiforov's icon is a poodle. Yuuri loves poodles. He clicks on their name, maybe there are other videos. There aren't. But there is a photograph of vnikiforov as the header, and he is hot. Surface of the sun hot. Volcanic eruption hot. Lasagna right out of the oven hot. Yuuri is a trash human, so he decides, fuck it, he's going to watch FLAT EARTH. If nothing else, it'll be fun to roast on the show; he's four episodes into the Illuminati Expose and needs a break. He hits play.

It's only a thirteen minute video. But by the end of it, Yuuri's mind is whirling; how could he have not seen this? How could he not know? Why does vnikiforov's face look like that? It's really distracting from the truth bombs he is laying down. _Fuck Big Globe,_ Yuuri thinks. Yuuri features the video on his next episode of the show. He's just in time, because within a week that ten hits has become a hundred thousand. He expects his little tribute to be lost in the throng of excited viewers, but he's wrong.

Two days after the show vnikiforov responds.

vnikiforov's shoutout on his second video--FLAT EARTH II--drives up traffic on Yuuri's show, Katsuconspiracies, tenfold. Then he gets the email, where vnikiforov, real name Viktor Nikiforov, asks if he wants to do a show together, and also, he thinks Yuuri is cute. Which is wild. Yuuri being cute, like the moon landing, seems fake. But Yuuri is still trash, so he agrees. They set a time and a date. Yuuri carefully arranges a backdrop and all his recording equipment for his first ever video show. He's ready. Then Viktor shows up at his house. In person.

That was not the plan. That wasn't even in the same zip code as the plan. But Yuuri's not going to tell Viktor, who shows up with a bright smile and a "Surprise!", that. He just hurriedly changes into better clothes, sets up the ringlight for maximum beauty, and breathes. "Hey, everyone," Yuuri says. "Uh, welcome to our first ever video show. Today I have a special guest, vnikiforov, who's here to answer all your flat earth questions." "Hi!" Viktor says. "I'm Viktor. I've been studying flat earth for a while, and I want to bring it to everyone!"

Viktor puts his arm around Yuuri. "Also, thanks to Yuuri here, who invited me for the show and even let me stay at his house!"

 _...when did I say that?_ Yuuri replays his gay rambling from earlier. _Welp. I did. And this apartment only has one bed._

"Okay, first question..."

+

"We're gonna be late to the conference," Yuuri gasps, even as he fumbles at the buttons at Viktor's shirt. Unlike the majority of flat earthers, Viktor always comes to events dressed formally. Yuuri is wearing a Flat AF tshirt and jeans.

Well. He was wearing the tshirt—Viktor is pulling it over Yuuri's head now.

"I'm giving the keynote, they're not going to start without us," Viktor says. He cuts off Yuuri's protest by kissing him, and he backs Yuuri up against the bed until Yuuri's knees hit the mattress.

"But—we'll be late—"

"There's a buffet, no one will notice."

That's a terrible argument. That's a disrespectful thing to say about their flat earth brothers and sisters. Yuuri gives up on Viktor's shirt and starts taking off Viktor's pants.

Movies always making stripping while making out look so easy. It's an exercise of delicious frustration, trying to peel Viktor out of his crisply ironed clothes without having to take his mouth off his. They end up sprawled on the creaking hotel bed, half-undressed, grinding against each other impatiently. Viktor has a Galileo Was Wrong tattoo on his ribs, inked neatly on top of what are frankly ridiculous muscles.

“Hey,” Yuuri says, hooking a leg over Viktor’s hip, “say that thing about NASA again.”

“What, that they’re a fraud?” Viktor leans in to whisper, his dick grinding against Yuuri’s crotch. “That they faked the moon landing? That their so-called photographs of the Earth from space are—fuck.”

Yuuri, hand wrapped around Viktor’s hard-on, pulls his head down to kiss him again even as he jerks Viktor off. Viktor groans, sweat dripping down his forehead—that’s going to look great on stage—and slides his hand between Yuuri’s legs.

“Keep going—tell me about gravity—”

“Gravity is fake,” Viktor’s hand is warm, his palm sliding over Yuuri’s cock, “everyone knows those forces are generated by universal acceleration.”

Viktor’s encyclopedic knowledge of flat earth physics is so hot. Other people just believe whatever the globalists spoon feed them, but Viktor can tell a real flight path from an Illuminati trick just by looking at it. Yuuri just likes to listen to him, in the dark room where they film, lights down low so that any Warner Brothers agents watching them can’t use facial recognition programs to track them. They’d fucked in that room once, waiting for the stream to start, B.O.B playing in the background.

“Harder,” Yuuri says, and Viktor does it, jerking him off with the wet noise of flesh on flesh, his breath warm against Yuuri’s mouth. Yuuri can feel precome dripping all over his hand as he returns the favor. “Fuck—fuck, say that thing about gyroscopes—”

“The earth isn’t rotating, it’s just celestial energies,” Viktor pants, and then he buries his face in Yuuri’s shoulder as he comes.

Yuuri comes, too, nails raking down Viktor’s back. He has to sit through a talk about flat earth physics today. He’s going to be hard the whole time now. He’s going to be horny at every show for the rest of his life.

“They’re going to start calling you a honeypot again,” Viktor says. He kisses Yuuri’s shoulder. “Seducing us so you can sell us out to the NASA termination squads.”

“Shut up,” Yuuri says. “If anyone’s a black helicopter sleeper agent, it’s you.”

“Mm.”

“We’re seriously gonna be late.”

“Five more minutes,” Viktor says. “I’m tired now. Last year I had to sign two hundred people’s shirts and officiate a wedding.”

“You like weddings,” Yuuri points out. “Besides, they were the first ever couple to get married after meeting on Flatch.com.”

“I’m not doing any weddings this year.”

“Not even ours?”

There is a silence, like Viktor’s a physicist who’s just been crushed by special relativity, and then Viktor pushes himself up onto his elbows. He’s grinning hugely as he looks down at Yuuri’s face; Yuuri can feel himself blushing, even as he gropes around for his pants pocket. His jeans are down around one ankle. It takes some doing.

“Here.” Yuuri dumps the rings out onto his chest and picks one up. “I had them engraved. If you look inside—”

“It’s half the Earth!” Viktor beams as Yuuri puts the ring on his fingers. “There’s an ice wall and everything!” He picks up the other ring off Yuuri’s body and grabs Yuuri’s hand. Somehow, despite the fact Yuuri bought both these rings, he’s still surprised at how perfectly it fits. “Now we can go.”

“Great.”

“But come rescue me if Yuri shows up again. I don’t have time to listen to his nonsense.”

Yuri Plisetsky is a cube theory proponent, which is dumb. The dome model is obviously the correct one. Not that Yuuri Is biased or anything.

They wash up, and Viktor produces another perfectly ironed set of clothes from the closet—no wonder he was so ready to fuck, he’d come prepared—while Yuuri digs out a second pair of jeans and a Flatter Is Better shirt.

Viktor holds his hand until he has to go on stage. They get a lot of dirty looks and someone hisses, “I knew it! The lizard people took him!” but Yuuri ignores them. It’s not like lizard people _exist._

**Author's Note:**

> don't comment on this i want to pretend it didn't happen


End file.
